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Bad Dates

I've been really busy today and not had time to update my journal. Besides,
I'm in a strange mood. It snowed last night at the farm even though it was
only 8 degrees and it's been snowing back here in Peoria all day. The 85
miles to work today was pretty damned slick. It's been a hectic day. My
Credit Union called this morning to get some more info from me for a car
loan I'm trying for so now I'm worried I might not get it afterall. Work has
been busy. I'm taking Friday off to get some last minute things done to the
house like cleaning the gutters. The recent snows have made that all the
more pressing. Tomorrow is our office Christmas party even though it seems
weeks early. It gets earlier every year it seems. It's because we have to
accommodate the schedules of several Execs from corporate who insist on
coming to the Christmas parties of every division in the corp. And since
there are over 150 divisions, I guess I can see why the party dates get
pushed around. But the bad part is, it will screw up the day. I'll have to
try to get all my work done in the morning, or come back to work after the
party which they don't encourage since we will have been drinking.

I got the winnings from two recent Ebay auctions in today. Two pounds of
rough garnets for my healing work. One pound is almost like gravel but
cleaned up has some nice raspberry red stones. The other is an orange or
Hessonite garnet and is in three fist sized pieces. Really nice energy to
this stuff. I'm working on a Healing Stones Website so people can see what I
have in case they are looking for something. In the garnet gravel, there was
a nice surprise, a 20 carat rough blue sapphire. I think I'm going to have
this thing cut into a nice gem for some jewelry.

I'm in quite a bit less serious mood than I've been in lately so I thought
I'd revert to one of my trusty top 5 lists. Today's topic: Worst Dates.
Since I'm not really single anymore, I can look back at these and laugh
although they didn't all seem so funny at the time. Hope you all enjoy! I
wish I had pictures of all of these on-line. At least I have pics of one of
them. Here goes!

Top Five Worst Dates

5) Karen - circa 1984. I was working in a mall in Springfield,
Virginia. I was 19. A bunch of friends and I worked in this movie theater.
It was one of those multiplex things with like 12 screens and was served by
one concession stand. My job was really popping popcorn in a separate
upstairs room but the concession stand would get slammed before and after
the movies so I came down to help out. It was here I met tow of the girls in
my current top five list so in retrospect it may have not been the best of
situations. Karen was the friend of one of the ticket girls. She was a cute
little curvaceous brunette who wore the tight Jordache designer jeans so
popular back them. She was like one of the chicks out of an Eddie Money or
Brian Adams video. A bad girl who seemed unattainable to someone like me. SO
of course I had to have her. She would come to visit her friend Rhonda at
the theater and would check me and Fred out as we did our concession stand
drink and popcorn juggling act a la Tom Cruise in Cocktails. So I started
working on Rhonda to get me a date with Karen. Surprisingly she said yes
without too much prodding so I guess I really should have been a little
suspicious since by looks alone she was way out of my league. The night of
the date was approaching so I got things ready. My buddies and I had this
place we took chicks to park. It was on this lake with a view of the
electric plant which was more romantic than it sounds. When they burned all
the lights at night, it lit up the surface of the lake with all this
reflected light. I made sure, none of my buddies would be there that night.
I borrowed my Dad's Chevy Pickup with the camper shell because it had a bed
in the back and was much more comfortable than my Mustang. I was set. The
plan was to pick her up and take her to the requisite pizza and beer dinner
( I lived in a state where you could drink at age 18) and then head out to
the lake to let whatever was going to happen, happen. SO I picked her up and
thought it was a little strange that her Dad asked me to have her back by 11
but whatever. She was looking HOT. She had the mid-80's rocker slut look
going big time. Killer big hairdo, crimson lips, silver cross earrings, red
halter top, tight blue jeans with a rolled bandanna as a belt, black
high-heeled leather boots and a black leather jacket. She was looking good
and I was eagerly anticipating what might come later that night. On the way
to the pizza place, she sat close on the bench seat and had her hand resting
on my thigh and would occasionally nibble my ear and kiss my neck. Her
Love's Baby Soft perfume gave her just enough of an air of innocence to
perfectly offset the whole bad girl exterior and drive me nuts. We got to
the restaurant and she let me order pizza and a pitcher of Michelob. We were
both sitting there, eating, drinking, talking, flirting and having a great
time. I'm daydreaming of being at the lake with her when she drops the bomb.
She starts talking about how Rhonda is such a good friend and how she is
going to be taking Karen out for her birthday next week. I say something
benign like "Yeah, she's a pretty good friend." Then I say, "So she's taking
you out for your 19th birthday?" and she says "No silly. She's taking me out
for my 16th birthday!" I think my jaw actually dropped open. I couldn't
speak for a few seconds but when I could, I pretty much said something like,
"OK we're taking you home now!" No matter how tempting it was to take her
out to the lake for what was sure to be a great lay, I came to realize I had
just given this little piece of jailbait beer and was considering committing
what amounted to statutory rape. There was no way my luck was good enough to
ensure word would not eventually get back to her folks and her Dad looked
like a pretty mean bastard. The old standard line of 15 will get you 20 was
ringing loudly in my ears. She was pretty disappointed and even tried to
tempt me with all sorts of deliciously decadent sexual promises but the mood
was dead for me. I think it even ended with a kiss on her forehead and I had
her back by 9:30. Luckily nothing ever happened to me as a result of giving
her the beer. Scary stuff.

4) Diana - same year as a matter of fact. And I met her in the theater
concession stand. It was on a night when we were getting slammed. There had
been some pretty intense flirting going on between us anyway for some time.
She dropped a tub of popcorn and we both bent down to get it. It was like a
letter to Penthouse, "I never thought it would happen to me but one minute,
our lips accidentally made contact and the next minute we were kissing
passionately." It really did happen like that. The only thing that stopped
us was Fred saw us and deliberately dropped a full tub of popcorn on us.
Diana and I couldn't get enough of each other. Tall thin gorgeous thing with
a really sweet face, green eyes, soft brown curls and the body of a track
runner. We became a regular thing and we always caught the Rocky Horror
midnight movie in Georgetown on Saturdays and something really cheesy
afterwards. Di's Dad really liked me for some reason. If he'd known I took
his daughter's virginity in the back seat of my Mustang he probably wouldn't
have liked me so much but fortunately he never found that out. One night we
were parking in my Mustang in the parking lot of a local Recreation Center.
We had the windows pretty well steamed up and we were in various states of
undress and were pretty oblivious to everything else. Next thing we know, we
are surrounded by white light. We look up and there are a pair of headlights
shining in on us and someone is honking a horn. I thought seriously it was
the cops so I started searching for some ID and putting some clothes on.
Then suddenly, there is a banging on my driver's window and someone is
shining a flashlight inside and saying "Get out of there you little bastard!
I know you've got my daughter in there!" I look over at Di and ask if that
is her Dad and she swears it's not. I'd pretty much figure out it wasn't a
cop and I was getting pretty pissed as he kept banging on my window. I
yelled at him to get the Fuck away from my car and he responds by kicking my
front fender. That tears it I thought and I start to open the door and get
out. Now realize I'm in underwear and socks and I have no idea how big this
guy is. Turns out he was a short little stocky shit and he was pretty
surprised to see this half naked guy get out of this red Mustang in the
middle of winter. Then he turns the flashlight and beams me right in the
eyes and tells me he's going to kill me for corrupting his little girl. I
wasn't in the mood so I grabbed the light from him and got in his face. I
yelled at him I did have someone in the car but I was pretty sure it wasn't
his daughter since I knew her Dad. He finally calmed down a bit and I gave
him back the light. I asked him what he thought he was doing and he said his
16 year old daughter was grounded but had taken off on a date anyway. The younger sister had told him all she saw was a guy in a red muscle car. So I guess my 72 Mustang fit the bill.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I asked him if his strategy was to
drive around the subdivision and bang on the window of every red muscle car
he found. He sheepishly admitted that was the plan. I told him he was lucky
I hadn't had a gun or he might be dead right now. So he starts looking at
his feet and without even saying he was sorry, he just turns around and gets
back in his 74 Pinto and drives off. That was pretty much it for the date. I
was literally freezing my balls off as there was snow on the ground. So I
got back in the car and Di and I put our clothes back on and I took her
home. She did treat me like a hero for taking care of the maniac father but
it was still a pretty disappointing date all in all.

3) Susan - 1993. I was living in Colorado again and helping out
with the student newspaper at my former alma mater, Adams State College.
Late one night, I was sitting at a computer typing up a story when these two
warm hands start massaging my shoulders. I assumed it was one of the girls
on the newspaper staff just being friendly and would soon stop. The massage
continued and was feeling really good. I leaned my head back a little and
asked, "Will you marry me?" The voice belonging to the hands said "Sure
Sweetie!" I turned around to look and there was a lovely creature standing
there dressed all in denim and wearing lots of silver and turquoise jewelry.
Flashing green eyes and curly ash blonde hair. Full pouty lips. Really nice
figure too. Just my type I thought. Turned out she was working late on the
student literary magazine in an adjacent office and was passing by our
office when she saw someone new. The massage was just her way of introducing
herself. Well of course we slept together that night but that's not what this entry is about. About two months later, we were out on a date at a local bar. We had gotten pretty buzzed and were horny for each other so we retreated to her house. How do I say this delicately? Oh hell with it. She was having a little trouble with natural lubrication that night. There, how is that? So she starts looking around for something. I'm thinking baby oil, KY jelly, flavored massage oil hell anything. So she find something on the headboard and says "Hey this will work!" After she starts...um...applying it to the necessary surfaces, I bother to ask what it is and she say's it's Tiger Balm. Actually, I didn't really care what it was as long as it did the trick. So we are in the middle of the act when something down there starts to burn rather unnaturally. In a couple of seconds I'm leaping out of the waterbed and going hell bent for leather to the shower to get whatever this stuff is off of me. I truly felt like I was on fire. Damn that stung. I finally get cleaned off and the burning is slowly cooling off and I walk back into the bedroom. I was pretty pissed and she was laughing which didn't help. I grab this little tin of stuff to see what it was when I notice the main ingredients are menthol and clove oil, two things which should never find their way near that region of the body. Needless to say, I made her promise never again to just grab something without knowing what it was. Date was pretty much ruined at that point. I was even mad enough not to spend the rest of the night with her and I went back to my own house.

2) Stacey Lee - 1985. Stacey picked me up. I really didn't have anything to do with that. She was an 18 year old bad girl with a penchant for sleeping with guys with fast cars, Mustangs in particular. She had a sweet little 67 Mustang coupe she and her gal pals cruised around in. It couldn't touch mine for speed but it was nice anyway. She saw me drag racing one night and liked the sound of the 429 Super Cobra Jet engine I lovingly maintained in her. She admitted she didn't really care what the driver looked like, it was the car that got her hot. She was pretty hot anyway. Shapely little Italian girl who was as close to the classic image of a nymphomaniac as you can get. I present the evidence
Every guy in his late teens should be so lucky to find a girl like this. Non-stop appetite for sex which pretty much matched my own so I wasn't complaining even though I knew she was sleeping with other hot guys. This was the age when I thought I was Superman and AIDS then was still thought to be confined to the gay community so I believed I was safe. We did a lot of dare devil death-defying stuff together. Driving around listening to Judas Priest and Iron Maiden and passing school busses on two lane roads around blind curves with oncoming traffic. In fact Stacey was right beside me when I crashed through a guard rail in Manassas, VA and went down a cliff and int othe Bull Run River but that's a different story. Of course being a bad boy, her dad hated me. I had long hair and earrings and he was a Major in the Army. After a few dates, he even banned her from seeing me. Not that that stopped us. In typical daredevil fashion, we would wait until her parents fell asleep and I would climb in her first floor window and we would do the deed in her bed until 4 am, a half hour before he awoke for work. He even got suspicious and started putting tape on her windows. We got around this by buying the exact same type of tape and retaping the window when I left. On the night in question, it was a different story altogether. I had to wait until he folks went to bed so I would typically drive my car past their house until I saw the lights go out and then I would wait an hour. The I would park the car in a cull de sac down the street and sneak up through the woods in my moccasins to keep the sound down. Well on this nigh her parents were staying up extraordinarily late. So rather than cruising past their house again, I decided to cool my jets by parking in the parking lot of a local junior high. It was summer so I left the windows down to catch a breeze. I guess I was a little tired and fell asleep but I woke up to someone fondling my balls. I looked up in horror to find it was a big burly trucker. I grabbed his hand and pushed it away from me and screamed at him, asking him what the hell he thought he was doing. It was then I found out I had chosen the local gay pickup spot to take a nap in and the signal for a date was to leave your windows down and settle in for a good time. He was pretty nice about it when he realized my mistake. I got on my way. I was pretty shaken by all of this so I left for Stacey's place hoping her folks had gone to bed. It was 1 am and all the lights were out. Stacey had gotten tired of waiting up for me and had gone to sleep as well. She wasn't there to open the window for me. So I got out my knife and cut the tape and slip open the screen. I called her name softly with no response so I figured she was sleeping and I was going to surprise her. I put a leg in the window. I had to be careful because the floor inside was lower than the ground outside. I lost my balance then and literally fell inside the room. I came crashing down and was really surprised every light in the house didn't come on. Stacey was at my side trying to hold back her giggling. I guess I surprised her. She led me to the bed and we got undressed and went to making love. Little did we know the crash had awakened her father who was at that moment, loading his shotgun and sneaking down the stairs. I think we were actually in the middle of the act when the door burst open and there stands Rambo in his red fire engine pajamas holding a nasty looking shotgun. He yells, "you got two seconds to get out of here boy before I shoot you dead!" I didn't need this explained to me and jumped up and in the next leap was out the window in nothing but my socks. Stacey must have tried to help because one of my moccasins came flying out right before the shotgun blast. Then all hell broke loose. All the lights on every house in the neighborhood came on and I was running naked and barefoot through the woods to my car. My saving grace was I left the keys in the ignition for a quick getaway. I hopped in and took off. Sweaty naked flesh on cool leather seats. Gotta love that. I think she got grounded for a month over that one and she was threatened with sending her off to boarding school which thankfully never happened. As for me, her parents never knew where I lived or even my last name so my folks never found out. I was out a change of clothes and had lost at least one of my nine lives but I was alive and it didn't stop us from seeing each other. We just got more devious and careful. Still it was an experience I would rather not ever re-live.

1) OK, here it is, my all time worst date. Trish - Fall of1985- sometime after Stacey- Trish was another Mustang girl. She drove a 76 Mustang Cobra which her mechanic brother had somehow managed to squeeze at 429 engine into and souped it up to get 475 horsepower out of it. Great car but she couldn't handle all the power. I could easily beat her with my Mustang even though that engine in the hands of a real driver would have kicked my ass. Stacey's friend Betty introduced me to Trish so I'll forever blame this hateful experience on her. Our relationship was not much a relationship. She stood me up more often than not but gave me just enough to keep me hanging on the line. Like the line from "Self Esteem" by the Offspring,

"Now I'll relate this a little bit
That happens more than I'd like to admit
Late at night she knocks on my door
Drunk again and looking to score
Now I know I should say no
But that's kind of hard when she's ready to go
I may be dumb
But I'm not a dweeb
I'm just a sucker with no self esteem

That's pretty much where I stood with her. Every once in awhile she would give me a wild night of sex which was enough to keep me coming back for more punishment. The worst was the last date we ever went on. We were out in my car, making out on an overlook of the Potomac River when she suggests we just throw caution to the wind and take a road trip. I asked her where she wanted to go and she said, the beach. I asked her which one and she said Rehoboth Beach, Delaware with a lot of conviction. So what the hell. I gas up and we take off. It's like 11 PM already and Rehoboth is at least 4 hours away. I think it was actually closer to six hours now that I think about it. So we drive all the freaking way up there with her performing all manner of sexual favors on me while I'm driving. Then, when we roll into town, she all of a sudden gets very cold and asks me to drive her to the police station. I'm wondering what the fuck is going on at this point. Is she going to try to pin a rape charge on me or something? Well we get there and pull up out front. There are no lights on except way inside. There is this skinny drug addict looking guy crashed out on this bench out front and Trish yells, "Hey Donnie!" To my complete surprise, this loser gets up and comes over to the car and starts kissing and hugging Trish. I grabbed her arm and demanded an explanation. She explained this scum bag was her old boyfriend Donnie who had just gotten out of jail after serving time as a drug pusher. She had done all this to co me into bringing her up to get him because he was broke and couldn't get home. Then he has the balls to try and open the door and climb in like I was actually going to give him a ride. I told him to get the fuck out. The I told her to get the fuck out. She was complaining and whining about how they were going to get home. I told them to just figure it out for themselves or go con some other poor loser with a blow job. This had Donnie looking at Trish really weird. She was starting to cry when I took off, laying a long strip of rubber on the road in front of the police station. I was so pissed, I just gassed up again and drove like a bat out of hell all the way back home. Never saw her again until a few years later when we got together for her to apologize. We did manage to bury the hatchet and have a laugh over it but I damn sure wasn't laughing at the time.

Well there it is, the whole sordid story. Hope you get a good laugh out of it. One of these days maybe I'll post my best dates or relationships or something. But this stuff is good for a laugh right now.




( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 6th, 2000 08:18 pm (UTC)
I'm not even going to get started.
Let's just say it'd take several days worth of posts to even touch on this subject. I've been on alot of dates and I know when one's about to turn bad there's nothing you can do to stop it.


Dec. 7th, 2000 06:55 am (UTC)
Re: I'm not even going to get started.
It's like a self fulfilling prophecy aint it. Later you laugh but at the time you are in a living hell!
Dec. 7th, 2000 03:57 am (UTC)
Er you have had a lot of dates and relationships.
Do you have trouble with commiting to one person?
Dec. 7th, 2000 06:59 am (UTC)
Nope, I committed to my wife for 8 years and to Deb for 4 years now. I think it's actually the women I've committed to in the past that have had the problem with commitment. Of course I could do a much longer list of all the good dates and good relationships I've had, but that's pretty boring compared to the ones that have gotten screwed up.


Dec. 7th, 2000 07:35 am (UTC)
What incredible experiences they are, though. Mine pale by comparison. :)

And if someone gets me talking about my good past relationships, I go on for hours. Especially about my first love. I'm still really relieved that he was the one to take care of me, and help me grow up. :)
Dec. 7th, 2000 12:31 pm (UTC)
Actually the Jade story I think pretty much catches you up with me on a lot of points. Don't seel yourself short. You've been through the wringer too.

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )


Wander aka StoneBear
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