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Mid Winter Meltdown

I have undiagnosed Seasonal Affective Disorder. Undiagnosed be cause I pretty much refuse to go see doctors about crap they can do nothing about. I doubt I could live someplace like Seattle that has lots of grey days. The midwest is bad enough. We'll go for weeks with slate grey skies and leftover snow on the ground and the same temperature range day to day. Not so much this year because the temps have been up and down all this season. 50 one day and 22 the next day. 2 weeks of overcast and then 2 brilliant sunny days and then the wind will start to blow like it's trying to blow right through you. That's another thing, especially in Illinois, the wind just howls down over the prairie. You spend enough time on my farm in the Fall and Winter and you can understand how a dust bowl could get started. A cousin of mine who works for a seed company and spends much of his life on a John Deere Tractor has a theory that the winds are actually getting worse because the small farmers have been tearing out fence rows and consolidating their fields and there is nothing to block the wind anymore. Surely its got something to do with global warming as well. Anyway, between grey skies, leftover snow and wind, the SAD gets to me. About this time of the year I always have a mental meltdown. That thing the other night with being the butt of the cosmic joke? That was an early warning sign. I just didn't feel like being responsible and calling to say I wasn't coming home.

And by the way, it didn't happen for me last night either in spite of my doing the shopping and cooking a special dinner.

A couple years back a trip to Tucson in Feb came as a direct result of one of my meltdowns. I had disapeared upstairs at the farm for a couple hours and Deb was downstairs watching a movie. Suddenly I felt like a caged animal and came downstairs and started bitching at Deb:

"We never fucking do anything. We just sit here weekend after weekend watching TV, chatting on the computer, never going anywhere, never doing anything, thre is a whole world out there and we fucking ignore it. We're trapped here. 2 feet of snow, it's cold, it's grey, it sucks to be outside, the fucking wind is blowing, I can't take it anymore, I want to break something, I want to kill something!"

There was more unintelligible stream of consciousness kind of stuff too and then inexplicably I just opened the front door and stomped off through the snow to the barnyard. I had no idea where I was going. Deb was understandably taken aback but she didn't want me freezing so she came out to the porch and tried to yell at me but either I was ignoring her or I couldn't hear above the wind and kept going. So to get my attention, she threw the Direct TV remote at me. Now this is a girl who can't hit the highway from the front porch with rotten fruit but she had deadly aim with that remote. It sailed in a perfect arc and smacked me right in the back of the head from 30 feet away. Yeah it got my attention. Also pissed me off and then the fight was really on. It was a yelling match until we both yelled ourselves out. Afterward we decided we needed a vacation. So we went to the Tucson Gem shows. It was 9 degrees and snowing when we left Illinois and it was sunny and and 85 degrees when we landed in Phoenix some hours later. I got enough sun to last me a few more months and the rest of the winter was cabin fever free.

The other night after Deb stomped off to bed, duskfrog chatted with me for a couple hours and I was able to get a lot of frustration off my chest without having to yell it at anyone. Thanks love!

But this weekend I'm going to start some self prescribed therapy for this condition. I've got pyrotechnics, I've got weapons and ammunition and I have a lot of old computer equipment that needs to be gotten rid of. So this weekend is going to be my ode to the excellent movie "Office Space". I'm going to blow some stuff up.

I've got several non-working PC's, old monitors, a huge scanner, 2 fax machines, a copy machine, and a bunch of old Apple computers. I'll get digital video as well as before and after pictures and post next week for your enjoyment as well.

I'm feeling better already. Destroying something that has a connection to the source of my frustrations always helps my mood. This is going to be fun.

*insert maniacal laughter here*



( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 27th, 2006 12:13 am (UTC)
I love to burn things in Ross's burn pits.

Have you tried the full spectrum light boxes? My pal Jane has SAD and those light boxes next to her computer make difference between limping along on zoloft and a happy and productive life with no drugs.

Jan. 27th, 2006 12:16 am (UTC)
Nope, but I might. Some winters are worse than others. Taking a trip here and there seems to help. Just a change of scenery or a long drive.

But yeah a good fire is a sure fire mood lifter too.

Jan. 27th, 2006 01:05 am (UTC)
Any time love. Always a pleasure!
Jan. 27th, 2006 01:26 pm (UTC)
I gotta ask. How long can it take to stop at DQ on the way home? You couldn't have been that late... could you?
Jan. 27th, 2006 04:40 pm (UTC)
It was more not leaving the office when I was supposed to that did it. Walking in with a Dairy Queen treat was just the nail in the coffin.

Jan. 27th, 2006 04:23 pm (UTC)
Oh, jeesh. I'd love to grab my Sharps rifle and take a few good shots at Apple computer equipment. Definitely sounds like my sort of cure-all.

Of course, you know my fascination for the lonesome, desolate places so you won't be surprised to know that the everpresent winter wind is one of the things I like best about the New Mexican highlands and the rugged, open high plains of Wyoming, Montana and Dakota.
Jan. 27th, 2006 04:42 pm (UTC)
Nope not surprised and you know, out there it's a lot more comforting. It adds to the rugged beauty, here it's a different feeling as you know.

Jan. 27th, 2006 06:17 pm (UTC)
Granted, I don't suffer from SAD; But I've always felt the winter wind over the eastern plains (Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Minnesota, eastern Dakota...) to be part of the sleeping and rebirth of that land. Sort of a lullaby, even if it does sometimes get a bit loud.
Jan. 27th, 2006 06:25 pm (UTC)
The wind by itself I like. I love to sit in our old farm house and listen to it roar, it shakes the house and all the windows rattle. It's almost as good as a Midwest Thunderstorm.

Jan. 27th, 2006 04:57 pm (UTC)
Element types and geomancy

One of the things I've learned working with clients that I have never picked up in any earlier life lessons is that some people have something built into their nature that demands MOVEMENT under certain circumstances.

I don't pretend to understand it any more than I really understood computers back in my techie days. I understood enough to be a decent tech and a good tech manager, but only because there were engineers all around who really understood.

Some people NEED to roll up the road to be healthy. Others (like my mother) need some sort of constant physical movement or they get sick.

Karla McLaren (my hero) talks about 5 element energy systems in Energetic Boundaries. I'm guessing you have a deep enough background that you know all about 5 element stuff and know how to work with that in terms of your winter down time. I do wonder if there's something in the 5 element stuff that would serve you at times like this.

In the last two years, I am developing an increasing appreciation for geomancy as a dynamic in energy sensitives. The feng shui stuff is pretty well mapped out, but I'm not finding resources about other levels of geomancy. I wonder (given your giftedness) if some of this winter stuff is related to latent geomancy inclinations that you have not quite realized and so have not brought into life balance.

Just a thought.


Jan. 27th, 2006 06:31 pm (UTC)
Honestly, I think all my symptoms are just part of a long transition. I still NEED travel but I can suffice with shorter trips. There is a reason I came back here to live and it has to do with things we've talked of recently. Spirit making sure everyone is in their place when something happens. I've recently realized the full meaning of that and I'm cool with it. It's just a hard transition from the years of getting on the road whenver I wanted to. I'm thinking these symptoms will fade of their own accord over time as my roots here go deeper and deeper. But I do want to look into what you suggested.

Thanks my friend, you are always a huge help to me.

Feb. 5th, 2006 05:31 am (UTC)
Winter is like that for me, too, I think. Though maybe I'm just fecked up year round, who knows? But since the winters here range from pretty damn cold to pretty fecking mild... I can tell a difference from one year to the next. I need sunshine. I'm like a plant.

Can't wait for pictures! It's always good to destroy things! (Okay, with good reason. Or not.)

( 12 comments — Leave a comment )