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Ask a Redneck

I'm apparently the token redneck at work. Every state in the US has it's unique dynamics. In Illinois, a good percentage of the population lives in the Chicago metro area. This gives rise to the belief by some Chicagoans and a lot of "downstaters" that Chicago is it's own state and the rest of Illinois is another. And I think alot of the city folks in Chicago think the rest of us are a bunch of hillbillies and rednecks. But then, a lot of us from the downstate think people from Chicago are rude, insensitive idiots with an overblown sense of entitlemant so it evens out.

People at work, my boss in particular like to poke fun at me for being from downstate, Illinois. I'll make a joke that people don't get and they will say, "Oh it must be a downstate thing." I take this all in stride because in my heart, I know how much fuller life in the rest of Illinois is. But they have recognized that I have some authority on matters that they know absolutely nothing about. Just the other day, my boss was musing out loud about the man-made lake out front of the building. Apparently they never stocked it with fish but within a year, people reported seeing fish jumping and within two years, Amish people started showing up to fish there. So I explained to her the various methods that nature utilizes to get fish into a pond or lake. I've heard time and again from farmers who specifically stocked their ponds with bass and bluegill, that those damned catfish got in anyway.

I told my boss she could think of me as her token redneck. Just call me when a redneck opinion is needed. "Hey, ask Mark, he's a redneck"

So I'm going to start a weekly column in my LJ called, "Ask a Redneck". Just send me your questions and I'll answer them to the best of my redneck ability. If it gets popular enough, maybe I'll do a podcast like those "ask a Ninja" podcasts.

So go on, you know there is something you always wanted to know.



( 44 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 9th, 2007 04:56 pm (UTC)
Dear Redneck Expert,

Could you please explain the meaning of "up yonder apace", "jist over yonder", & "jist down the road aways"?? An actual mileage estimate of these varying measures of distance would be very helpful as my GPA device does not seem to be able to compute these distances. Thanks so much..

-Confused in North Carolina
Feb. 9th, 2007 09:01 pm (UTC)
This will be answered in a separate post. Maybe not today, but very soon. The buddy I was dragging with me when I first sought you out those many years ago say things like "Chunk it on out there, slap up!" I actually know the answer to your question but this will be a good one to consult on.

Feb. 9th, 2007 05:07 pm (UTC)
That's crazy. The only reason that you should be called a redneck is because of your sensitivity to the sun as a result of having red hair!
Feb. 9th, 2007 08:57 pm (UTC)
I actually take pride in being a redneck. To those of us who take pride in such things, it means someone from the country who works hard outside. The term originally came about because someone noticed that people who work outside get sunburned on their necks as opposed to people who work inside. So I don't really take offense to it unless someone is obviously trying to make a derogatory comment.

(no subject) - piscesdreams - Feb. 9th, 2007 09:02 pm (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 9th, 2007 06:17 pm (UTC)
Dear Redneck,

Please explain the difference between a "redneck", "white trash", and "just country". It's gettin' difficult to tell them apart down yonder.


-Somewhat Southern

Feb. 9th, 2007 07:31 pm (UTC)
LOL... was just discussing these differences with hubs after reading this entry. I believe rednecks were actually (initially) farmers, people with crew cuts and bib caps whose necks were exposed to the sun. I think these are the simple, maybe a little naive, country people, except for the Amish, because they have sensible hats.

That, as opposed to poor white trash, who generally wear mullets or otherwise scraggly do's, or cowboys, whose hats shade their necks ;-) These are your Bubbas and Bubbettes, and about 3/4 of country music royalty.

Unfortunately since Jeff Foxworthy, everyone is lumped beneath "redneck" and that just ain't right.

And how about hillbillies and hayseeds? Crackers? Kentucky colonels and Southern belles?
(no subject) - wander - Feb. 9th, 2007 08:50 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - carocrow - Feb. 9th, 2007 08:59 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - wander - Feb. 9th, 2007 10:01 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - carocrow - Feb. 9th, 2007 09:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - wander - Feb. 9th, 2007 09:52 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - wander - Feb. 9th, 2007 09:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - wander - Feb. 9th, 2007 11:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 9th, 2007 07:39 pm (UTC)
Dear Redneck,

Please explain those "various methods that nature utilizes to get fish into a pond or lake." That sounds pretty fascinating, actually.
Feb. 9th, 2007 09:04 pm (UTC)
I will do so in a separate post in just a few minutes.

(no subject) - wander - Feb. 9th, 2007 09:47 pm (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 9th, 2007 07:40 pm (UTC)
Dear Mister Redneck:

What is the best way to kill a stump? I have cut back several trees and large shrubs to nubs and would have anticipated that they would expire, but darn them if they're not sprouting out again.

Loopy Landscaper
Feb. 9th, 2007 09:09 pm (UTC)
It actually depends on the tree. Certain ones, if you don't cut them close enough to the ground will grow back. Others you can paint tree wound healer on and it will prevent further growth from that area. Still others you have to cut slashes in the stump with a chain saw. Some people swear by making slashes and then pouring on some used motor oil or gasoline. Taking that a step further, you can pour in an accelerant and light it affire which usually kills it. They also make a form of Round Up for tree stumps. Obviously some of these methods are less environmentally friendly than others. Cedar trees have to be cut back to less than 6 inches I think or they will grow back.

Feb. 9th, 2007 08:39 pm (UTC)
Lols! Here's one: what kind of truck should we get to tow the boat?
Feb. 9th, 2007 08:46 pm (UTC)
What kind of boat? How big and all of that. It matters.

(no subject) - lauramander - Feb. 9th, 2007 08:47 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - wander - Feb. 9th, 2007 09:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - lauramander - Feb. 9th, 2007 09:16 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - wander - Feb. 9th, 2007 09:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - lauramander - Feb. 9th, 2007 09:51 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - wander - Feb. 9th, 2007 10:32 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - lauramander - Feb. 10th, 2007 12:12 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - wander - Feb. 10th, 2007 12:20 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - lauramander - Feb. 10th, 2007 12:24 am (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 9th, 2007 08:45 pm (UTC)
Dear Mr. Redneck:

Pork or beef?
Feb. 9th, 2007 09:23 pm (UTC)
This will be a good one for it's own post but in general I have to go with Pork. And then only because of the versatility of products derived from your basic pig. Hot dogs, Bratwurst, (all your wursts actually), sausage of all kinds, BBQ and best of all BACON which is of course one of nature's perfect foods. I hear tell that you can make many of these things with cows but it's just not the same.

Feb. 9th, 2007 10:41 pm (UTC)
Dear Mr. Redneck:

Could you discuss the proper connotation of the terms "might could", "might would", and "might oughta"? This caused Serious Discussion in the Ivory Tower last week.
Feb. 9th, 2007 11:08 pm (UTC)
There are some important distinctions between those phrases and I think they deserve an episode all their own. Though I might combine them with some other queries on Redneck speak.

Feb. 9th, 2007 10:47 pm (UTC)
Dear Redneck...

Umm..LOL...*falls off chair laughing*

I had a question, but my brain is too busy to remember......
Feb. 9th, 2007 11:09 pm (UTC)
And what is so funny my dear? Is your brain too busy trying to figure out the time zone thing again since you live in the wrong time zone?

(no subject) - redsgoddes - Feb. 10th, 2007 06:23 am (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 10th, 2007 05:22 am (UTC)
I'm looking forward to your regular Redneck column. But I think you will have to post more than once a week. Com'on!
Feb. 10th, 2007 05:26 am (UTC)
I've got enough questions now to do twice a week or more. I may do another one later tonight.

Feb. 10th, 2007 09:04 pm (UTC)
ug, you have no idea how much frank and i clash about this seeing as he's a "city boy" and apparently, I'm from "southern" illinois simpley by coming from south of I-80.
Feb. 11th, 2007 04:03 am (UTC)
You should really take him to somewhere like Cairo, Illinois and let him experience some of the wacky wierdness down there. I guarantee he wouldn't say you were from Southern, IL anymore. You and I are from West Central, IL. There is a BIG difference.

(no subject) - skywalkerchick - Feb. 11th, 2007 09:45 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - wander - Feb. 12th, 2007 01:19 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - skywalkerchick - Feb. 12th, 2007 11:36 pm (UTC) - Expand
( 44 comments — Leave a comment )