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You're going to put what, where?

So a couple weeks back I saw a recommended Urologist to get some guy tests done. All in all, he checked my prostate, did and ultrasound of my bladder, did a CAT scan of my urinary tract and did a cystoscopy. And this was when I found out why my primary doctor had cringed when she said I needed the procedure. I am quite sure that if the Urologist had come out to the waiting room and described the procedure for doing the cystoscopy, 95% of the men and some of the women would have gotten up and left. Never again will i complain if I see a bit of blood in my urine.

First off, how does someone become a Urologist? Does some instructor watch you and say, "My Mr. Jackson, what long fingers you have. I think you'd be good at reaching up men's butts to feel their prostate!"

The ultrasound was no big deal. Kinda ticklish actually. it was done by a nurse who claimed after donating a urine sample that I still had an ounce of urine in my bladder and that was normal. So here I was thinking the worst was over. Little did I know. Then Dr. Sandeep comes in. Nice guy with very long fingers which should have been a warning and for some reason I felt a little squeamish shaking the hand of a guy whose job it is to reach up people's butts. Yeah, yeah, I know they wash their hands after each butt but still. Sandeep lacks any pretense of a bedside manner. He's just all procedure. At the point where he's fondling my parts, i feel a need to let him know there is a strong possibility I have Klinefeldter's Syndrome. I'll save you the trouble of looking it up and just say, it means I was born with one two many female chromosomes which for most cases means you are sterile from birth. I figured as a Urologist this was something he needed to know. I found out later had I not told him this, I might have saved myself some later pain and discomfort. But the cat was out of the bag.

So he ordered up a CAT Scan and cystoscopy for the following week because with Klinefeldter's there is some danger of something called Horseshoe Kidneys, where your kidneys fuse into one.

Then he had me roll on my side and without any warning whatsoever did the aforementioned finger's up the butt test for prostate health and declared me to be healthy in that area. What a relief! Could he possibly have used any more KY Jelly for that? I was definitely well lubricated when I left that day. No need to change my oil for awhile.

So over the next week while waiting for the day of the other tests, I did my research on CAT Scans and cystoscopies. On one of the sites, I read a series of reviews from men who'd had the cystoscopy procedure done and nearly all of them said that despite feeling violated it was not all that painful. This cheered me a good bit. I have news for you. They lied.

The CAT scan was done without incidence by a very nice and thorough young lady named Sandy who really put me at ease. Then I was directed into an exam room with stirrups on the table that thankfully I didn't need. I was told by a nurse to disrobe and put on a gown and lie on the table with this big paper towel covering my groin. I did so and awaited Dr. Sandeep. When he came in, he brought with him a pretty young female assistant and while I'm fairly comfortable with myself and not that modest about people seeing my parts, it still put me a little ill at ease. Sandeep shook my hand and I asked him if he was from India originally because I knew 3 other Sandeeps and they were all from India. He said he was but he grew up in Canada. He also explained that Sandeep is a fairly common name in India. "With 800 million people you have a lot of common names." At this point he lifts the towel and grasps my penis, pulling it outward and then says, "Sandeep is kinda like Dick in America!" I kid you not. The nurse blushed and turned her head, he laughed at his little joke and I just turned red. Of course when some guy is holding your penis and stretching it out, you don't want to move much. I swear he must have waited years for someone to ask him that so he could use that joke. You know he went home that night and told his wife all about it.

"I was finally able to use the Dick joke!"

So back the the serious stuff now. I'd seen the probe thing lying in a vat of what looked like antifreeze on the table in the room. Seriously it looked like something from the first Alien movie all black and slimy. Sandeep tells me he's going to squirt a local anasthetic up my urethra. Remember this is an orifice that has an out valve but not an in valve. Sandeep says, "You are going to feel a little discomfort."

I came to understand at this point that apparently in India the words "A little discomfort" translate anywhere from just a little pin prick to a fuck of a lot of pain!

The stuff he squeezed into me was extremely uncomfortable. Then he said, "You are going to feel some pressure as I INSERT THE PROBE." I think I know what alien abductees feel like now. Imagine if you will something about the length of your car radio antenna and about as flexible as a fishing pole guided through a tube about 3/4 the diameter of the instrument you are shoving in there. To lubricate the journey, the nurse is shooting sterile saline solution up there.


It was pretty much the worst pain I've ever felt and that includes broken ribs and a broken neck. I was clutching my fists and gritting my teeth against most of it but when he announced that there was a sphincter muscle he had to push through and then did it, I let loose with a bit of a yelp of pain. He kept saying he was sorry which did nothing to ease the pain. And all this time my muscles throughout the whole system are relaxing and contracting around the foreign invader and I can't tell whether to relax or tense up. It felt like at any moment the entire contents of my bowels and bladder would just empty on their own.

And once the shaft is all the way inserted Sandeep puts his eye up to this little periscope-spy glass thingie on the top and starts looking around inside me. You'd have thought he'd found pirate treasure the way he was twisting it this way and that. A whole new wave of pain all on it's own. Finally when i think I'm going to have to reach up and grab his wrist to stop from inflicting more pain, he says, "OK time to take it out now!"

No pomp and circumstance for this procedure, he just pulls it out and as he does so, the contents of my bladder and all that saline come out too and I had absolutely no control over it. Good thing I had the towel draped over me. Afterward I lay there drenched in sweat and saline and urine while Dickman took off somewhere handing the cruel instrument of torture to the nurse who put it back in the Alien sterilization tub and cleaned up. I lay there for a few minutes and then sat up, expecting her to depart so I could clean up and get dressed. Well, she didn't. After a minute or so, she looks over at me and tells me she has lots of cleanup to do and I should go ahead and get dressed. I think about it for a second and then realize she has just seen me at my most vulnerable point in my life so seeing my naked ass isn't going to be much worse. So I got dressed and she finally left. I really hope I never see her out in public anywhere.

Sandeep came back in later and said sorry again and that everything looked normal and he'd call me with the results of the CAT Scan once a radiologist looked at them. He told me to schedule a follow up in a year, shook my hand again and was off to his next victim. I was bent over like I'd been kicked in the testicles at the time. Pain like pulled muscles radiated from my groin and I felt the overpowering need to urinate. I found a bathroom and barely made getting my pants down before a geyser erupted and got rid of all the rest of that saline they had pumped into me. The receptionist gave me an office sample of this methylene blue stuff for the pain and told me, "your pee will be blue."

I was actually used to this from a previous bladder infection where what they gave me turned my pee bright orange. A few minutes later I was out the door and on my way home.

Now I don't know about you, but I usually like a guy to buy me dinner and maybe a good bottle of wine before I let him shove his hand up my ass and insert a flexible rod in my urethra. Maybe even some flowers and candy. Just saying. He never called me either. Typical man.

Urinating was a fun experience that night. Nice little stabbing reminders of the exam room and also a nice stream of blood and clots from the trauma he caused. And this is not an area you want to see blood from. A day alter I was fine though.

Here's the thing. They can do laser surgery to correct your eyesight. Your eyes are very sensitive organs. But the best way to check your prostate is still to stick your fingers up someone's anus and manually probe it. And the best way to check the bladder for irregularities is still to shove a fishing rod up there and look in with a periscope. Clearly medical research dollars are being spent in the wrong areas.

Next time I see blood in my urine, I'm going to give it a few days and see if it gets better on its own.

Peace and ouch,



( 19 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 16th, 2009 07:33 pm (UTC)
Do you watch Family Guy? Wait, the bit I'm talking about is on hulu.com if you don't. Peter goes to the doctor and has an entire ep of existential angst over a prostate exam. It's hilarious.

Not laughing at your pain... but I'm the lady who had to tend postoperative urology patients with an Indian doctor and a group that included the group of (no kidding) Dr. Dick Steel and Dr. Woody Neill. They were destined to be urologists. I could tell you some things that will make you think your experience was vanilla on the scale of urological torture. But. Won't.

*hugs*? Who chooses this profession (or proctology, for that matter)?
Jun. 16th, 2009 08:14 pm (UTC)
I know, that rape footage in that Family Guy episode is amazing.
Jun. 16th, 2009 09:17 pm (UTC)
Well apparently, probing people's anal cavities is very lucrative because everyone in that group was driving at the very least a Mercedes.

Jun. 16th, 2009 09:53 pm (UTC)
The things people will do for money :-p
Jun. 16th, 2009 08:13 pm (UTC)
Now I don't know about you, but I usually like a guy to buy me dinner and maybe a good bottle of wine before I let him shove his hand up my ass and insert a flexible rod in my urethra. Maybe even some flowers and candy. Just saying. He never called me either. Typical man.

In my (limited) experience, there's usually a lot of leather apparatus involved in that sort of activity too. But then, I hang out in the Folsom district too much. :)

PS - There's a small packet en route to Joilet, if it hasn't got there already.
Jun. 16th, 2009 09:18 pm (UTC)
Got here last night and thank you very much. I can use it right now. What amazes me is some people willingly pay for that sort of humiliation.

PS- Package for you on the way this week too.

Jun. 16th, 2009 09:48 pm (UTC)
Mistress Matisse has a picture on her blog of a client with a piece of flexible corrugated electrical conduit stuffed up (down?) his hooha. After seeing that, I am no longer curious about the 3/4" sounds that Mr. S sells.

Glad it got there and that it's well timed. It's not so much a defense as a message saying "There are so many nicer places you could be right now", so you probably shouldn't use it around friendly or helpful guests. But that's what the silk swatch is for. Bolts-end for luck and everything - you can see the little chinese characters and the import stamp on it still. :)
Jun. 17th, 2009 01:05 am (UTC)
I'm going to Summer Council meeting in NC this weekend. one very long and hard drive followed by another. The bad part is all the Council members including our chief are in-fighting right now and my cousin and I will land smack in the middle of that. Someone gets in my face about certain subjects and I'm sure the bundle will come in handy.

I was dating an EMT once who described the various and sundry things people come into the hospital with stuffed up/down their hoohah. Wonders never cease.

Jun. 16th, 2009 08:13 pm (UTC)
That is TOTAL trauma. And all of that just to find out if you were okay - I swear if I'd known what was involved I would have DIED before I would have scheduled a single appointment. This is why nobody wants to go to any hospital, ever. I can't BELIEVE he used that line on you. And I'm totally feeling the conclusion you came to: REALLY? All the technology in the world hasn't improved the methods for these kinds of tests?
Jun. 16th, 2009 09:20 pm (UTC)
Even my dentist uses a digicam instead of the old Xrays to find what's wrong with me teeth. They don't even come close to accurately describing the procedure on the medical sites.

Jun. 16th, 2009 10:37 pm (UTC)
I've known people who have gone through this and I really think they should just knock you out entirely, it's so traumatic.
Jun. 17th, 2009 01:07 am (UTC)
If they would have presented that as an option, believe me, I'd have taken it. My gastroenteroligist is much kinder and offers it first thing.

Jun. 17th, 2009 01:10 am (UTC)
Jun. 17th, 2009 01:19 am (UTC)
That was the week you were supposed to be in Chi town I think.

Jun. 17th, 2009 01:36 am (UTC)
I didn't know you were going for this test or I would of warned you. I know someone that had it. Also, it's one of the things I'm learning in class and I have a picture of that instrument you described in one of my books. You're right, he should of at the very least sent you candy..something.. LOL
Jun. 17th, 2009 01:39 am (UTC)
Well now in class you can say you know someone who expereicned the business end of that device.

Jun. 17th, 2009 01:43 am (UTC)
Oh don't worry, all my friends love your stories. This will cause much discussion late into the night...
Jun. 17th, 2009 04:08 am (UTC)
Not to make light of your situation, because I've had to deal with at least some of it in the past, so I feel (at least some of) your pain. It's just that your wry writing style, circumstances and such in this post made me smile. And shriek out loud (more on this in a moment).

I can just imagine the doctor greeting you and, much like a Mel Brooks movie, every time his name is mentioned it's with a dramatic accent on the second syllable, complete with reverb: "SanDEEP... Deep... deep... deep..." My mother once visited a proctologist who's name was Dr. Butt. I have his card somewhere. A name and career matched for the ages.

Anyone I know who has ever had any similar procedures done has mostly done so with a large amount of nervous humor.It's almost like whistling past a graveyard. Most doctors work that angle too, I mean, what else can you do? I guess be cold and clinical, but what fun is that?

I know they wash their hands after each butt but still.

This line struck me as super funny, but I don't know why. As I was reading, I was snacking, having Nilla wafers and milk. Right after reading that line, I pulled this out of the box:

The shrieking laughter ensued.

A friend of mine had undergone some urinary tract procedure and had to take pills that turned his pee a deep blue. I mean, Ty-D-Bol blue. Only thing missing was the little guy in the rowboat. Morbidly fascinating.

I'm glad your lower chassis components are in good order, and I hope they stay that way. And thanks for sharing your ordeal in your unique style.

Jun. 17th, 2009 04:22 am (UTC)
I'm so glad i wasn't drinking anything when I saw that Nilla wafer. It would be out my nose right now. The blue pee is pretty hillarious when you first see it. With the orange ones, it goes away after you stop taking them. The blue stays with you for days and just gradually fades. Almost makes you want to leave it in the urinal to freak out the next guy. Thanks. That made my night.

( 19 comments — Leave a comment )