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What a long strange weekend it was. I didn't get to the farm until 11 or so Friday night since I wanted to wait until the temos cooled to drive my truck back since it's been overheating lately. Luckkily it made it all the way. Note to self - get truck into repair shop this week to replace radiator and get re-timed. I'd do this myself but weekend leave little time to go scrounging through junkyards for the right parts. Plus it's the farm vehicle so I can charge it off on the farm account.

What is it they say about all great plans of mice and men? Well, my plans for the weekend certainly didn't come to fruition. I had actually palnned a relaxing weekend to sort of come down off the high of so many recent road trips and hard work at the office. I was just going to sleep until I woke up Saturday. Hit the bank and post office and hardware store and the place that had my two chainsaws in for sharpening and then come home and go fishing for the entire day. I should have known life would not be that simple.

I had known for a week or so that my friend "Grandpa" was going to be leaving soon to go to truck driving school. Little did I know he was planning a big shindig at his house that would involve heavy assistance from me on my planned day of utter laziness. He called me right when I got home from the errands and told me his scheme. He wanted to have a going away party at his house for himself. I know it sounds bad that his friends didn't plan one for him but the boy works all the time like seven days a week so you just never know when he's going to be around. Plus the time was never definite when he was going to be leaving so nothing got planned.

He told me the food and alcohol was taken care of. One of the advantages to working dor a meat processing plant is you get free meat. Plus he's got another biker buddy who works for a liquor store and was going to get a couple cases of Busch beer for free. Now I'm not really a fan of Busch beer but hey, when your in "I'm just going to get shit-faced" mode, any Anhueser Busch product is as good as the next. Just as a back up though, I went and bought myself a 12 of Micholob Golden Draft bottles and stuck it in the fridge to get really cold.

Then Grandpa calls back and asks if I can bring my tractor over to his house and mow the lawn since his John Deere was broken down. I agreed but only if he would come over and drive behind me since I didn't have any light on the tractor. That's not legal in other places I know but in farm country, the law tends to look the other way when you are hauling farm equipment up and down the road. He came over and I pulled the 52 year old tractor down the drive and onto the highway. I stopped and engaged the road gear and took off. My tractor has 4 gears plus reverse and normally when I've got an implement attached and in 4th gear, it goes about 8-10 mph tops which is actually too fast for mowing. But if I engage the road gear, I can go flying down the road at around 25 mph. I know it doesn't sound like alot but it's all relative. In your car, 25 mph is just crawling but a tractor on the road is like a boat on the water. 35-40 mph in a boat seems pretty damned fast and likewise, 25 mph on a tractor seems pretty damned fast especially when you are bouncing up and down over each bump and pothole. As the crow flies from my place to his is like a mile. If it weren't for a big hollow full of trees between his palce and mine, I could see his house. But the road you have to take to get there is about 3 miles so it took like 20 minutes to get out there. When I got there, I was greeted by a veritable jungle. All the rain we've had recently has had three effects. The rivers are flooded and swollen. Not quite like the great floods of 93 and 95 but getting there. The farm fields all look great and last but not least, everyone's lawns have grown uncontrolably. I have 8 acres to mow on my place and the rain has made a normal 8 hour job into a 14 hour job every weekend. Grandpa's place was no exception.

The grass was up to my chest and there were milkweed plants taller than my head. Not that this was a problem for the tractor and the 60 inch mowing deck but still, it was going to take a while. So I get started and Grandpa says he's headed inside to clean the house and get stuff ready. About half an hour into the job I start thinking this is a lot like Tom Sawyer. I'm outside mowing weeds taller than my head in 90 degree heat and 85% humidity and all the grass seed and pollen is sticking to my sweaty skin and he's inside with an air conditioner, a cold beer and a stereo cranked up. Now who has the better part of this deal?

It took me about an hour to finish since there were so many hazards hidden in his grass to avoid. So finally, sweaty, sunburned and exhausted, I fall into his house and accept a glass of water. It's now like 4 pm and he wants to start the party at around 5:30. So I get the tractor back home and head int otown to find some otehr friends and invite them. I find most of them predictable lounging around another friend's pool and drinking beer. I'm still pretty hot and sweaty at this point so when Chad hands me an ice cold bottle of Busch, I readily accept. You know, I really don't like beer unless I'm really hot and it's really freakin cold. One of life's simple pleasures.

So anyway, I tell them about the shindig and head back to the house to just relax a little. I hate being hte first one at the party and since I'd helped Grandpa most of my day, I decided to just sit back and watch a little TV. I headed back over at around 7 and all the friends were there. I sat down between my drinking buddies Gwen and Tanya who were passing a bottle of Wild Vines Blackberry Merlot back and forth and joined in. I like expensive wine too but just for sipping. For a cheap buzz, you just can't beat screw cap wine. The three of us polished off 4 bottles before sending one of the more sober people back to my house for a couple bottles of cached Boone's Farm Strawberry I had hidden there. After the wine was gone I did a couple shots of Jose Cuervo and then hit the beer. I was getting to that point where you can't feel your tongue anymore so I had a couple cheeseburgers and a pork steak and let the effects slowly back off. Meanwhile a discussion of tattoos started up and people started getting naked, showing off thier tattoos. You just gotta love redneck parties. It's like Jeff Foxworthy says, you can pretty much count on someone getting naked. Now granted, there were some people there who I could just as much have done without seeing naked but I guess everyone needs to be an exhibitionist once in awhile.

It was when the discussion about piercings got going that things got a little wierd. Now alot of my friends in addition to being rednecks are also bikers and tattoos and piercing just seem to go hand in hand with that lifestyle so there were bound to be some wierd things to see. I could have done without seeing Carl's pierced foreskin but the thing that really grossed me out was when Lydia had to show everyone all her piercing which she did herself including her nipples, the two in her navel, both labia and the one in her clitoris. Can I hear a big collective AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! for that? To top it off, Lydia is a pretty skanky looking old broad anyway when she has her cloths on. She spent the rest of the night making googly eyes at me and repeatedly asking me if I could design a new clit ring ring for her. I shudder to think of it even now.

But it was a good party. Old time 70's rock and roll, good friends, good food and cheap booze. About 1 am, I decided it was time to head home. There was no way I was going to drive out on the highway in my condition. So I drove my truck up to the end of Grandpa's private road. Since it's private you can't get a DUI ticket. I parked to the propane plant and walked the 3/4 mile stretch home through the soyben field. The walking and the cold night air did my head some good anyway. I crashed in my recliner in the front room with a blanket pulled over me and had really strange dreams all night.

I finally got up around 11 am yesterday thinking I would be really hung over but it was no more than a slight headache and that slow moving feeling. About noon Deb calls and says she's heading down from Peoria. So I get outside and get some work done and sweated out all the remaining booze in my system. I got the garden weeded and 28 new pepper plants in plus some eggplants. Everything I planted last week is up and I fetilized and watered. I also got 4 dead elm trees cut down with the chainsaws and cut up into firewood and proceeded to the 8 acres of mowing. Deb showed up and wanted to drive the tractor so I let her mow the field lanes. Then we headed out to Grandpa's again so she could say goodbye. We caught him sleeping with the skanky pierced clit wench. I shudder to think of that now that I'm sober. Then we headed into town and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening with her cousins. We stopped by the plant nursery and got about $100 worth of plants and finally headed home. Got back here around midnight. Watched a litted TV until I passed out and then we both overslept my alarm this morning. Week is starting out like normal. Already behind.




( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 11th, 2001 10:42 am (UTC)

Jun. 11th, 2001 07:12 pm (UTC)
Damn. Redneck parties sound great. Except for the pierced clit thing. *calm blue ocean calm blue ocean calm blue ocean*

May your pepper plants do better than mine. (Mine are always late.) And may the disturbing images in your head be replaced with something nice.

Ryl (frantically scrubbing her brain "Uncleeeean, uncleeeeeeean!")
Jun. 12th, 2001 07:19 am (UTC)
Well, Satureday June 23 we will be having the Redneck Party to end all redneck parties. It's our 5th annual Wander's Farm Pre-4th of July Extravaganza complete with a huge fish fry, horseshoes, skeet shooting, lots of great conversation and new friends, free beer (which is probably what attracts most of the people) and a professional quality fireworks show at night that all my neighbors sit out on their lawns to see and which rivals the 4th of July shows put on by neighboring towns.

I have a four bedroom house with more than enough room for guests so feel free to come on out.

Hey, some of my peppers already have peppers on them. My radishes, onions, sweet corn, pop corn, beans, peas, cantaloupe, squash, pumpkins, cucumbers and watermelon are already up. Should be a good garden this year.

Fortunately yesterday's work day was sufficiently stressfull to wipe any unclean memories from my head.



Jun. 12th, 2001 10:12 am (UTC)
1. What is a skeet?
2. Why does everybody want to shoot them?
Jun. 12th, 2001 10:36 am (UTC)
A skeet or rather just skeet because it is a plural noun are more comonly referred to as clay pigeons which are thrown from a spring loaded thrower called a trap and shot in mid-flight with a shotgun. Why? Because it's a fun way to test your skill at shooting something on the move without having to actually kill something.


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )


Wander aka StoneBear
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