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Doubts

I was talking to one of my spiritually similarily inclined friends yesterday about fear. I think fear and doubt must be one of the biggest stumbling blocks for someone who is attempting to grow in spiritual ability. No matter what your path, whether it's Christian, Pagan, Wiccan, Buddhist, Shamanist...whatever, if you are human, you are going to feel fear at one time or another. In my work, I really have no teachers that I can go to and ask if I'm doing something right. I know I've been called and I routinely have visions that I must interpret to guide me in one direction or another. But I almost always doubt myself when it's time to move on to a new level. It's like if someone isn't coming along and saying "OK, now you are a shaman!" then you don't feel worthy of being one. I know I'm on the path but if someone were to call me a shaman, it would sound to me like they were talking about someone else.

I also wonder "why me?" a lot. Surely I've not been chosen for something important as being a healer. Yet I know I have abilities. I've tested them and seen them work. But always in my everyday life, I've been a behind the scenes kind of person. Sure I step up and grab my persoanl glory every now and then. I'm confident in my abilities but I'm also comfortable not being in the limelight all the time. So I guess that attitude sometimes carries over into my spiritual work as well. And that is one of my weaknesses I must overcome.

I'll be given a choice soon. The process has begun. There are two roads and I must choose. I can choose to go through the fire and grab the power and accept that I've been chosen and I'm worthy of the responsibility. Or I can side step it all and stay in the shadows. Either way, I'll end up on the other side. But this is the fork in the road that will likely decide where I'll be spiritually for a longtime to come so the decision is not one I'll be taking lightly. Even now, I know that through the fire is likely the way I'll go. But to do so means letting go of all the illusions I've wrapped about me to protect me and going naked into the fire. I won't be given this gift until I strip myself of all my doubts and allow the Spirit to fill me and guide me and show me what it needs to show me. Do I forever want to be the helper or do I want to accept the power and be the healer.

I've touched upon the power before and even now, I can feel it coursing through me as I type. It's a heady feeling but I know it will not be an easy path. I'll have to learn to dance within the fire and not get burned.

Peace,

Wander

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
namaste21
Jul. 12th, 2001 09:20 am (UTC)
thanks for posting, that... *S*
it's definitely what I've been feeling all along...
wander
Jul. 12th, 2001 09:29 am (UTC)
Re:
I think we all feel it sister. I think it may come down a lack of structure nowadays. Too many paths available almost. When lived in tribal syatems or smaller structured societies, when someone was chosen, they had a certain route to take to be trained. Now it's kind of like every man/woman for themselves. It might give you more options but it sure doesn't help much.

Peace,

Wander

i
Jul. 14th, 2001 09:42 am (UTC)
frightening and enticing at the same time. i don't think i would be capable of casting off the illusions and facing the fire. i also don't think anyone should have the sort of power and responsibility you are talking about without doing both of those things.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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wander
Wander aka StoneBear
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